Monday, July 26, 2010

Age 25

Dear Body,

I must admit I have a love/hate relationship with you. When I was in elementary school, I hated being the tallest in my class. Yet when I was in high school and I was stuck playing point guard instead of center, I hated that too. I hated how quickly my womanly hips showed up after I stopped playing college soccer, and how quickly those curves turned to apathy and disregard toward my wish to take care of myself as I had known how to my whole life. I didn’t even want to step on a scale or look in the mirror.

When I ended college as a size 12, I hated myself. But I missed the physical pain I could put my body through via exercise and the subsequent pride I felt upon completing a challenge. I put on the cleats again, as well as the running shoes. Now, a year later, I am proud of my physical fitness, my ability to run 10 miles and play soccer with ease. I like how my legs look, how my arms have toned and my ass. Yes, my ass looks great. I look at myself naked after exercise or a shower and think, “Damn, I look good.”

Yet, somehow, even though I love my commitment to physical fitness and the joy of the addiction to my runner’s high, I am a bit afraid. I am afraid that this might go overboard. You see, a year later I managed to fit comfortably into a size 2. I’ve never been that skinny, even in my prime days as a three-sport high school athlete and a college athlete. Am I just exceeding what I thought my body could do or abusing it in a way that I just now am developing a mild consciousness of doing so?

I love how I look right now. Love it, love it and want to flaunt it. But I still hate the possibility that it is not the best way for this to be done.

Love and hate,
The inhibitor of you, Body

Friday, July 23, 2010

Age 20

When I look in the mirror, fully clothed, I think I might look beautiful. I dress well, have nice makeup, blonde hair. I'm thin, but not too thin and have curves in all the right places. But if I take those clothes off and stand in front of the mirror, I'm horrified at what I've done to myself.

After 6 years, I've cut, burned, sliced or stabbed every area on my body that looks so well when fully clothed. The skin on my bare arms, chest, breasts, stomach, hips and thighs is no longer a creamy, smooth, white surface. Instead, it's puckered, bumpy, discolored and ugly. My constant need to hide these self-inflicted imperfections has brought on the paranoia of being found out, the pain of rejection when I am found out, the need to leave early due to panic, the addiction of archaic blood-letting and the fatigue of anemia.

I'm angry with myself and with my naked body. But the thing that angers me the most is that I have suffered no heartbreak, loss, physical ailments or family trouble. If I had, then I would have something to blame. But because I have been blessed with what many would call a perfect life, the blame is mine.

How pathetic.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Age 17

Dear Eating Disorder,

I’m writing to say how much I hate you and how much I want you out of my life.

I hate the way that you make me feel and I hate the control you have over me. You make me feel like such a failure. You make me feel like I am so out of control. You make me think such bad things about myself and you make me feel so hopeless and worthless.

I hate always wishing to be thin. You always make me feel so incredibly fat, even when I am so underweight I have to be put in the hospital. I hate feeling like I constantly have to compare myself to everyone that I see. I feel like I am striving to be perfect, but nothing I do is ever good enough. I never want to hear your voice again. It is so difficult trying to go through life with your voice always nagging me in my head. I HATE YOU, I really do.

Every single thought that goes through my mind is that I’m not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough or smart enough. I’ve dealt with you for over seven years now and it has been the longest seven years of my life. When I was little, I had no friends, no social life and no fun. I always tried to keep a smile on my face, even though deep down inside, I was hurting so badly. I wanted to be beautiful, like all the models and actresses. I wanted to be thin so badly that I would rather die than be fat. You told me that I was being strong by not eating. I have never cheated, lied or hurt anyone more than I have when I was with you. I have hurt my entire family and all of my friends. I have pushed people away when I needed them the most. You ruined my life and you were the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I thought I was doing the right thing by restricting, purging, exercising, cutting, taking diet pills, laxatives, diuretics - anything that I could get my hands on. I thought I was doing something good by losing weight and hurting my body. I now realize how wrong I was by thinking that. I thought that by becoming thin, I would become happy; that was the biggest lie you have ever told me. I lost so much weight and was so unhappy. You hurt me so much. I wanted to feel pretty, to be popular and have a lot of friends. I wanted to make the perfect grades, get accepted to the best college and impress everyone I knew. I wanted people to think, “That girl has it all.”

I felt like I needed you most of my life. You were my only friend that I could turn to when no one else was there. When my life was falling apart, or something bad happened, you were always there to bring me back up. You were constantly there by my side through everything. You gave me comfort and control, and that’s what I wanted. It is so hard to let go of you, because you were my best friend. I have to be strong now and let go. You have made it so hard to get close to people. I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. You took away my life from me and now I want it back. You took away my friends, my faith, my family, my happiness and you filled it with self-hatred, depression and sadness. You took away every good opportunity in my life that I had. I couldn’t do anything anymore because I was so worn out over you. I want to get rid of you completely.

I have felt a little taste of life without you and I was never happier. I smiled and laughed so hard when you weren’t in my life. Once everything seems to be okay, and in its place, you keep coming back into my life and taking everything from me again. You tore me to pieces. Every night that I cried myself to sleep, I was in so much pain and just wanted you to stop coming into my life and telling me all these negative things. I want you to stop and never come back again. I am finally starting to let go of you and let other people back in my life. People need me, and I need them more than ever. I have Jesus in my life, and He has helped me more than you ever did. I don’t need you anymore, and I never will.

You have been in my life for way too long and I don’t want to hear your voice in my head again ever. I am drawing a line between us, and you may try to cross it multiple times, but I will never let you. God has shown me what great things I can do and I completely trust Him now. No matter how hard you try, I will never let you back into my life. You destroyed me and I cannot be destroyed ever again. You may try to feed me lies and let me try to think awful things again, but I won’t believe you. I am better than this. I am trying to become a better person. I am starting to like who I am.

It takes work, but I am really trying. I am so much better than what you ever told me. I realized that if I am going to be happy, then I need to be healthy and I am not becoming your version of happy anymore. I need to end this now. I would like to say thank you though, because you have made me such a stronger person, and I can see reality now. I am so much happier without you and I am so much closer to God than I was ever before, so thank you for that. You have made me realize who I want to be.

Although those are good things, the bad you have shown me outweigh the good. I am such a better person than this and I realize that now. I hope and pray every day that you will never come back into my life. Please stay away from me. I am stronger than ever and I am going to beat this.

I am such a better person now and I couldn’t be happier.