Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Age 33

It is a common belief that eating disorders begin in adolescence, and while this is true for most, this was not the case for me. I had made it out of adolescence without an eating disorder, but once the dust settled on my rocky childhood and I was out on my own, I began to process my upbringing. It was then that I began a decade of obsession and dieting, entering into a shameful cycle of quietly binging and compulsively exercising, a cycle that I simply assumed was a by-product of being a young woman.

Only now do I see how the cycle was a product of my past, a latent response to surviving years of abuse and struggle. I could not control my past, and I could not control my future, but by God, I could control the person I would become. And that person would be skinny, as opposed to how chubby I was as a child and teen. If only I could shed the pounds, I could also shed my shameful past and be free to enjoy a healthy future.

So I focused on becoming the person I longed to be Рa thinner, more élan version of myself. Each day, my life was gauged by the weight on the scale and the size in my closet. Size 6? I am a champion. Size 8? I have work to do. Size 10? Failure. Utter and complete failure. Upon waking, I did not greet the day with gratitude, rather, I would wake to tally the daily calorie count, my exercise routine for the week, how many calories I had burned the day before, and scheduling in my head when and where I would burn extra calories that day.

In the periphery there was the rest of my life: love, jobs, friendships. Thanks to my focus on food, calories, and exercise, I was a self-contained island in a world of potential hurt. If I avoided connecting too deeply to anything, I could avoid being hurt altogether. I had something else to focus on instead, something that didn’t hurt me, and something that I could control. I had learned early on that everything was impermanent, and that the pain of loss was always just around the corner.

Faced with uncertainty and fear, I focused instead on what I could control, and that was entering in my daily calorie counts into the application on my smart phone. Apple: 60 calories. Toast: 110 calories. String Cheese: 80 calories. Running: 30 minutes, or 300 calories. I was always working towards a weight and size I felt best represented the better part of me, always needing to lose 5 more pounds. If only I can get to a size 4, everyone will see what a strong, beautiful woman I am. Only then would someone see my value. Only then would I find love, and therefore, a purpose. I did not realize at the time that my obsession with food and calories was really my way of maintaining control of my life, and a way to feel a sense of pride in myself that I couldn’t seem to find anywhere else.


Monday, July 23, 2012

TV Segment Opportunity

TV producer working on an eating disorder program for a major network is looking to help someone who is struggling with anorexia. Accepting all inquiries, but especially seeking women who are mid-age and suffering from an ED for the first time in their lives or have relapsed after years of recovery because of a trigger. Please contact us as soon as possible at tvsegment@gmail.com with a brief introductory paragraph and contact info.

Email: tvsegment@gmail.com

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Age 16

At the age of sixteen, you would think that the only thing a girl would have to worry about is school or getting her drivers license. But no, not me. I have to look in the mirror everyday and see an ugly and fat girl staring back. I cry all the time about it. I hate myself. I want to be skinny. Actually, I feel like I have to be skinny. This world we live in isn't fair. It's just so hard trying to workout and diet everyday and then see no results. I'm trapped…I want to get out of this.