Monday, June 30, 2008

Age 18

When I look at myself I see fat and I feel disgusted. I'm 5'8" and 145 lbs. That sounds normal but I look so obese. I constantly fear that other people will make fun or hate me because I look fat. I can’t be in relationships because I'm so self-conscience and I even decided not to go to my high school graduation because I felt so fat and unattractive. When I take pictures people tell me I'm really cute and pretty; however, I think the pictures are just altered to make me look pretty.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Age 37

As a child, I developed much faster then my friends and peers. I was athletic and focused on sports, so my newly developed breasts were just a hindrance. I was embarrassed – I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me. I walked with my shoulders forward, trying to hide every new inch of me with loose, baggy clothing.

If only I knew then what I know now.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Age 19

It's become a game to me. Each day I try to eat a little less. I like to see how far I can push myself. In the beginning, the hunger pains were unbearable. But as much as it hurt, it wasn’t as painful as looking at myself in the mirror.

It would be so much easier not to care…

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Age 33

I literally see every pound on my body. If I gain weight, I know exactly where the new pounds go. I see the fat. I wish I wasn’t so acutely aware…but I can’t walk past a mirror without examining every inch of body just to make sure. My mood is determined by the scale – my happiness is reflected in the number that looks up at me. I no longer have control…my weight – my body – controls me.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Age 27

I was sitting on the couch when my mother came in for some “small talk.” She told me I should lose weight. She told me I didn’t look good. That was 13 years ago, although it feels like just yesterday. I can still feel the tears streaming down my face. I just sat there as she spoke those words…and after she left the room, I silently cried. I didn’t speak up. I didn’t question her warped perception of beauty. I just sat there…wishing I could disappear. At the time, I was a healthy, average-sized teenage girl. I was happy.

I have been tormented ever since – consumed by thoughts of food and weight…and trying to be perfect. Wanting to be loved.

I still wish I could disappear.