Monday, March 17, 2014

Age 19

Last week my boyfriend admitted he lied and cheated. I broke up with him then took a 6 AM flight home for spring break.

And then I lost control. I couldn't stop crying or obsessively checking my phone or picturing him with this other person. So, I started eating my emotions. And then purging. And then eating my emotions. And then purging – something I hadn't done in weeks, something I thought I'd finally gotten over. But the habit came back so easily, so naturally in a moment of stress.

I realized I needed help. So I called a helpline and spoke to a really awesome woman. I said those awful, terrible, humiliating, honest words out loud for the first time: "I have an eating disorder." From this moment on, I decided to love my body.

I went upstairs, stripped done in front of my mirror, and apologized to every inch of my body. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I will love you. I will love you. I will love you. You are beautiful. You are beautiful.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Age 21

"Thinspo." That evil word still haunts me to this day. It's been almost 3 years since I've looked at pictures like that. It's also been almost 3 years since I shut down my own thinspo website.

It sickens me to think that I ever participated in that realm of the virtual world. If I wasn't at the gym, jogging outside or secretly doing leg-lifts in my room, you could probably find me looking at thinspo. For hours. And hours.

Looking back on it, I don't even really get it. Why should looking at pictures of these random people even impact my life at all? At the time, it certainly did.

It's been almost 3 years since I shut down that website. It's been almost 3 years since I weighed 92 pounds (for reference: I'm 5'5"). And yet, not a day goes by where I don't struggle with the voice inside my head. It still tells me I'll never be good enough. It still makes me cry.