My Body - these words reverberate through my mind like buckshot searching for clean, unmarred flesh. My Body - two little words that hold such power over my feelings of self-worth and right to participate in society. How much longer will I continue to berate myself for wanting food, not exercising 4 hours per day and wearing clothes that fit me, not the media's version of what's right? How many more hours of pinching fat on my stomach and wishing I had the courage to induce myself to vomit? What amount of self-loathing and flagellation will be enough to convince myself that I am not disgusting and irredeemably ugly? I yearn for the days when I starved myself into a body devoid of all indications female - a stick-like body that allowed me to ignore the joys and pain of womanhood and sexuality.
My body has been the enemy for the entirety of my remembered life. It is something to beat down and suppress into submission. It is never to be acknowledged, except to criticize its shortcomings, and especially unworthy of celebration. It is outside of me and yet, I can recognize the self-defeatism of tying self-worth to something as ephemeral as physical appearance. Even so, here I sit, hating myself for not being taller, thinner, prettier, better. I sometimes fleetingly daydream about what it would be like to wholly accept myself, but in truth, the word "self-acceptance" has no tangible reality for me; it is a word on a page that applies to other people, never me.
Growing up in a household where no product or technique was too dangerous in the quest to take up the smallest amount of space - a whittling down curbed only by skeletal dimensions – a paradigm of self-denial was created that has stalked me to present day. I can remember at the age of seven scrutinizing my reflection in the mirror, searching for affirmation of the thin ideal propagated by mother's words and actions. For a time, all was right and good with the world - I projected that ideal. Of course, when weight gained on the heels of my parents' divorce created a chubby child and adolescent, the condemnation and judgment of my family and peers was immediate and relentless. Constantly being scolded for my food choices, clothing size and weight led me to believe that somehow I was worth less in this bigger body.
I learned to associate a sense of shame with my appearance that remained even after I starved myself into psychological numbness and physical insignificance. Morphing into a body that fit the vision of cultural acceptability made me hate it even more. Now, instead of being vilified and scorned for being too large, I was applauded and lusted after for being so small. When did my body become public property?
I am tired of only seeing a chubby, mushy, worthless girl that doesn't deserve to eat or to live. I am tired of feeling slightly sick every time I look in the mirror, terrified of what I may see. Can I tolerate the image reflected back, or will I cry and decry the need to face the world while appearing so broken? I don't want to be stuck, forced to choose between subduing my body into a weak, unnatural shape and nourishing it so I can be free to move and run.
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The Question
Want To Share?
The Body Image Project is an online project searching for women and girls of all ages to share their individual experiences and feelings about their own body image perceptions. The goal of the project is to have women and girls take the brave step of sharing their story, break the hold these perceptions have and ultimately reveal to those who share and those who read the thoughts of others – you are not alone. It is a rare opportunity to share without fear of judgment - share in a healthy manner. We ask that individuals include their age so the reader witnesses the wide-range of ages and the wide-range of issues women and girls are facing (often silently).
Share your story. Keep it short and simple - the impact will be huge.
To share your story, simply email your words to bodyprojectsubmission@gmail.com.
Share your story. Keep it short and simple - the impact will be huge.
To share your story, simply email your words to bodyprojectsubmission@gmail.com.
Background
Body image dissatisfaction is a growing epidemic in our society. Women, teenagers – and now young girls – have become obsessed with obtaining the “perfect body” which can lead to an unimaginable sense of self-loathing. Society targets women with constant attacks on their bodies creating a false belief that our value – our worth – is based on appearance alone. We have become enslaved to the beauty myth and to our unwavering attempt to fit in, skewing the mental picture we have of ourselves.
The Body Image Project simply asks “when you look in the mirror, what do you see?” Do you embrace your physical appearance, or yearn for change? Do you accept your physical differences or take extreme measures in an attempt to change your body? How far are you willing to go to feel better about yourself? Are you happy?
Be honest. Be open. Express yourself without fear of judgment.
Through your words and shared thoughts, The Body Image Project will take an unflinching look at how women and girls perceive their bodies, allow individuals an opportunity to reveal their perceptions of their own self-image and explain how far some are willing to go to fit in.
The Body Image Project simply asks “when you look in the mirror, what do you see?” Do you embrace your physical appearance, or yearn for change? Do you accept your physical differences or take extreme measures in an attempt to change your body? How far are you willing to go to feel better about yourself? Are you happy?
Be honest. Be open. Express yourself without fear of judgment.
Through your words and shared thoughts, The Body Image Project will take an unflinching look at how women and girls perceive their bodies, allow individuals an opportunity to reveal their perceptions of their own self-image and explain how far some are willing to go to fit in.
Privacy Policy
The Body Image Project (http://www.thebodyimageproject.blogspot.com/) does not collect names and/or addresses. All posts to this site are anonymous and include age only. If you share your story via email, your email address will not be shared or posted. All text/image posts are considered public, equivalent to "Letters To the Editor," and will be considered publishable.