When I look in the mirror, I see someone who looks oversized, someone fat, someone who takes up too much space, someone not worth it. As a recovering anorexic, I have to try to maintain positive; however, every time I look in the mirror I have an image reflected back at me which makes me feel worthless and inferior. I enjoy exercise but got to the point where I could barely walk up the stairs because I was too weak. I have to learn that my body is an important thing and needs to be looked after in order to maintain a healthy mind.
I hate the way that nothing I do is ever good enough for myself. Having such high standards means that I am never satisfied. My efforts are never good enough. I am not pretty enough, loud enough, skinny enough, talented, interesting. It is so wearing! It makes me sad and lonely, striving for perfection - not only in my life, but in others as well. Relationships were affected.
But I've turned a new corner. I can wear clothes which were far too loose in January. Clothes hidden under layers of jumpers and coats can now be worn on show. People are starting to comment on how good I am looking. This reassures me and makes me feel good. I wish that the reassurance others gave me could be reflected in what I see in the mirror. The real me needs to build and grow. I need to learn to laugh again, how to trust, how to smile, how to love. It’s as if I have been given a new start. I need to take it and become who I want to be for the rest of my life. Two years of my life have gone to starvation and being thin. It needs to end now!
As I am today, I am much healthier and in a much better place, but I am nowhere near my final destination. I want to be able to have children, I want to be able to move out and I want to be happy with who I am and where I am at. It is all going to come; I just need to take it step-by-step.
Recovery is not instant it takes time and persistence. When you reach it, you know you are there.