Guilt. Shame. Disgust. Horror.
Those feelings haunted me, kept me up at night as I stared, or rather glared, at my reflection for hours. At 16 years of age, how could I already be running out of hope?
It wasn't always so.
As a child, with my messy blond hair and navy blue eyes, I never questioned my appearance. Or anyone else's, for that matter. Grades were perfect, little lithe figure was perfect, family was perfect. Just pure perfection. And then it all got complicated.
Grades were faltering to horrific new lows (A- and such disasters).
Parents became negligent of their 2nd, less interesting daughter (alias me).
The atrocities that no one had ever warned me about (hips) grew in, and just like that, my whole world shifted.
Was my face distorted? Was I morbidly obese? Was I (gulp) even pretty?
That last question changed everything. It changed me.
My eating got completely out of hand and the binging could not be controlled.
But my weight had to be.
It was all I could control.
I had to compensate - make up for - a monstrous creation from the Devil Himself, also known as my face.
I would maniacally run around my room in the middle of the night for hours on end, trying to burn off the calories I had just inhaled, and maybe also sweat off the ever present guilt and horror I felt about my eating habits.
I wanted to crawl out of my skin and, in some ways, I suppose I found outlets for that request.
At age 10 I started picking at my cuticles.
By age 14 I had worked all the way down to my knuckles, leaving my fingers blood red, swollen and often infected.
I moved on to the back of my neck, to my feet.
I had to get out of the prison cell that was my body.
During one of my tantrums, after looking at my horrid reflection for much too long, I punched myself with all my might. Right on the temple. Several times.
Punishment for my despicable behavior and my even more despicable appearance.
That was the moment I started to scare myself. Questioning my appearance had turned into questioning my sanity.
I tried to get help, but my secret weight loss tricks I had buried for 5 years (the manic exercise, the laxatives) were blocked by the carapace I had built around me to protect myself from getting hurt.
But the only person who was truly damaging me was the voice inside the fortress.
After months of rejection and misdirection by doctors, I was finally hospitalized. At 16 years of age. Seven months ago.
So when I look in the mirror, what do I see?
I see strength, but also vulnerability.
I see imperfection, but also a willingness, a courage to accept it.
Doubt may creep back up and shove me back down, but I always get back up and keep fighting.
Keep fighting the fight against pressure and judgment and conformity.
Because my health is a prize worth fighting for.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
The Question
Want To Share?
The Body Image Project is an online project searching for women and girls of all ages to share their individual experiences and feelings about their own body image perceptions. The goal of the project is to have women and girls take the brave step of sharing their story, break the hold these perceptions have and ultimately reveal to those who share and those who read the thoughts of others – you are not alone. It is a rare opportunity to share without fear of judgment - share in a healthy manner. We ask that individuals include their age so the reader witnesses the wide-range of ages and the wide-range of issues women and girls are facing (often silently).
Share your story. Keep it short and simple - the impact will be huge.
To share your story, simply email your words to bodyprojectsubmission@gmail.com.
Share your story. Keep it short and simple - the impact will be huge.
To share your story, simply email your words to bodyprojectsubmission@gmail.com.
Background
Body image dissatisfaction is a growing epidemic in our society. Women, teenagers – and now young girls – have become obsessed with obtaining the “perfect body” which can lead to an unimaginable sense of self-loathing. Society targets women with constant attacks on their bodies creating a false belief that our value – our worth – is based on appearance alone. We have become enslaved to the beauty myth and to our unwavering attempt to fit in, skewing the mental picture we have of ourselves.
The Body Image Project simply asks “when you look in the mirror, what do you see?” Do you embrace your physical appearance, or yearn for change? Do you accept your physical differences or take extreme measures in an attempt to change your body? How far are you willing to go to feel better about yourself? Are you happy?
Be honest. Be open. Express yourself without fear of judgment.
Through your words and shared thoughts, The Body Image Project will take an unflinching look at how women and girls perceive their bodies, allow individuals an opportunity to reveal their perceptions of their own self-image and explain how far some are willing to go to fit in.
The Body Image Project simply asks “when you look in the mirror, what do you see?” Do you embrace your physical appearance, or yearn for change? Do you accept your physical differences or take extreme measures in an attempt to change your body? How far are you willing to go to feel better about yourself? Are you happy?
Be honest. Be open. Express yourself without fear of judgment.
Through your words and shared thoughts, The Body Image Project will take an unflinching look at how women and girls perceive their bodies, allow individuals an opportunity to reveal their perceptions of their own self-image and explain how far some are willing to go to fit in.
Privacy Policy
The Body Image Project (http://www.thebodyimageproject.blogspot.com/) does not collect names and/or addresses. All posts to this site are anonymous and include age only. If you share your story via email, your email address will not be shared or posted. All text/image posts are considered public, equivalent to "Letters To the Editor," and will be considered publishable.