Thursday, October 3, 2013

Age 24

I wake up every morning and walk into the bathroom, take off all my clothes, use the toilet and then pull out my scales. As I wait for the digital devil to give me its final answer, my whole body screams at me, "Please let me be a kg lighter!!! Even just a few hundred grams will do, just please don't tell me I am heavier!!!"

I am heavier than I was yesterday. I slam the demon scales back into their home, cursing at them for ruining my day. I angrily pull on ugly baggy undies and clip on my only comfortable bra. I search for something to wear and end up choosing the same sweatpants and loose fitting band shirt that I probably wore yesterday and go back to the bathroom.

I glare at myself in the mirror, “It's your own fault that nothing fits you.”

Due to me having bipolar and needing medication, my weight fluctuates horribly all the time and it makes it hard to lose it as well.

I don't know when it happened, but at some point in time I started pinning all of my happiness on being thin, telling myself that I can't possibly be beautiful at the weight I currently am. I sometimes catch my reflection and think, "You have a nice face…if only it was thinner."

I am tired of feeling self-conscious when I grab another biscuit at parties. I am tired of constantly obsessing about food and exercise. I am tired of weighing myself all the time. But above all of this, I am tired of not feeling good about myself. I have a wonderful husband who tells me how amazing and beautiful I am all the time. I wish I could see myself the way he does…and I know he wishes that I could as well.