Thursday, May 28, 2015

Age 22

When I look into the mirror, I try to just see a person. A beautiful, individualistic person who has nothing wrong with her body.

Well, that's what I've been trying to teach myself to see. I'm young, only 22, but I've gone through stress about my body every single day of my life since maybe middle school. That's when I started to become more aware of who I was and how I looked to others.

The thing is, I'm tired. I'm really tired. I'm starting to realize that I have no say in what other people think of me and that I'm the only one in control of how I feel. I am 200 pounds and that may seem big or small to some people, but for me it was a weight that I used to never think I would reach. I have a ton of stretch marks and about two spare tires. I get the feeling, though, like this is what was supposed to happen. That I should embrace my body because it was how I was made to be.

I've fought it in the past by going to the gym and I've gone on diets, but it's just hard. Maybe it's partially genetics, or maybe I just eat a lot. Either way, I'm learning to come to terms with my body.

I don't think it's possible to ever see myself perfectly, but I hope to come very close. Reading magazines and watching movies growing up taught me that I needed to be smaller because that is what is attractive. It's very difficult to shed this mindset since I've grown up on it my entire life. It's important to me now to stop and take the time to realize that if I step outside of my constrained body image bubble, that there is an amazingly beautiful planet that I live on that gives me many blessings every day. The more I do this the more happy I feel.

So, that's the goal - to just enjoy waking up every day and seeing the beautiful sky outside my window. And when I go to see myself in the mirror, I'll just see a person. No labels, no criticisms, just a beautiful creation that is me.