Monday, April 7, 2008

Age 18

I have always thought my body was a bad thing. No, that's not really right. I was told I was overweight, and was told that I needed to eat better, and exercise more, then maybe I would feel better, and "become a better person." These criticisms always stuck close to me. I heard them (and frankly, still do hear them) on a weekly basis from my parents, and they cut deeply. Every comment someone made on my weight felt like a small jolt through my heart. So I started to hurt myself. Every time I just felt despair that my family couldn't accept me for who I was, I would hurt myself. This started in middle school, and continued on into my high school years. I knew it wasn't helping me feel better in the long run, but it helped heal the immediate internal wounds, inflicted by comments such as, "do you really want to eat that" and "maybe you should go for a walk instead." They seemed to tiptoe around the "f-word," and instead use "big," "large," and "voluptuous." Calling myself fat was often met with exclamations of "You're not fat!" and sometimes even anger. But let's face it, I know that I am fat.

Only recently have I been able to feel as though my fat is a part of me, and I love it. Yes, I am fat. And you know what? I don't have a problem with it. When I look in the mirror, I see someone beautiful, someone who may be fat, but is still in love with themselves. I now believe that no matter what size I happen to be, I will be content with it. If I got down to what most doctors would say was a "healthy weight," I'd still be a 12/14, and I'd probably still be fat and fabulous. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that as a college freshman, when all the other gals are obsessing about those two cookies they ate with lunch, or are eating nothing but salad from the cafeteria, I am enjoying life, enjoying food, and enjoying my body. It's not to say that I don't have other worries, such as my grades, and how I'm going to finish that paper worth 25% of my grade by Friday, but I can happily say that I don't add to any worries with obsessing over the fitness (or lack thereof), size, shape, or weight of my body. I do not even own a scale, but I don't need one. I love every roll of fat, and ounce of flab, because honestly, it's just a part of who I am.