Friday, May 9, 2008

Age 17

When I was a little girl, everyone could tell you I looked more like my dad than my mother. My mom’s side of the family was very thin and in shape and on my father's side everyone is obese. I remember going to my mom’s room crying "I’m gonna be fat, I’m gonna be fat like dad’s family." I was scared to death of gaining weight or getting "fat." I was never popular, or really pretty. I wanted people to notice me. I hated my body my whole life. I wanted to change so I started dieting in the 7th grade, and by 8th grade I was making myself vomit after meals. I didn't think I had a problem. I thought I was better than everyone else. I was disciplined enough to purge. I struggled with bulimia for about 2 years and then my sophomore year of high school I became anorexic/bulimic. I became obsessed with my body; I knew every inch, every pound. I was at my worst. I hated my body. Everyday I woke up early, looked at myself and I tried so hard not to cry. I hated everything about my body. I was a 5' 6’’, 17 year old girl who weighed 110 pounds and I saw nothing but fat on my body. I never felt thin. I would purge up to 15 times a day if I did eat and I restricted my calories to 300 a day. If I broke it, I would purge and take 4 laxatives. I would be so disgusted with myself that I couldn't even stick to a diet that I would punish myself. I would take a razor and cut my thigh. I was so angry and sad all the time and I had no one to talk to, I felt it was the only way to let my anger out. I've fainted on 2 occasions. I have vomited blood more than once. I have heart palpitations, memory loss, poor concentration, torn esophagus, acid reflux. I was caught while purging by my mother and was sent to an eating disorder clinic. Since, I have relapsed more than once, been to 2 other treatment centers and I am still recovering. What I have found to help is to take out the mirrors in your bedroom. Then you can’t stay up ‘til 3 in the morning obsessing like I used to.