Thursday, May 22, 2008

Age 29

When I was 5-6 years old I was of average weight. During that time period, my father tried to engage me in a sexual act, but fortunately someone intervened in time. I have been overweight since then.

In high school, I was a size 14 and thought I was huge - I don't recall what my weight was then. I was horribly shy, and I was super-self conscious about my hairy forearms and being short (5'2"). Even though I was shy, I discovered I had a deep love of acting, and I was involved with the drama club - tiny bit parts and backstage work.

In 2001, I was just under the 200 lb. mark. I was at the end of a 2-year long, lackluster unhealthy relationship and when I was broken-up with, I did whatever it took to treat myself badly - intentional starvation/binging, alcohol and drug abuse and cutting.

Between 2001-2007, I slowly grew to 230 lbs. I was involved in another bad relationship, and 2 unhealthy attachments to "Mr. Unavailables." I decided to go to college in 2003 - to get a degree in my second favorite passion - writing, because I felt too ugly and fat to pursue my dream as an actor. During my four years at school, I partied excessively – abusing drugs and alcohol and barely passing my classes. When I graduated (a year later than I had planned) I was in a deep co-dependent relationship with an alcoholic/addict friend – for a time, I thought I was in love with him, and one drunken night I seduced him (by carefully studying the troubled, size 0 women he was always attracted to) to sleep with me- my rationalization being that "sleeping with me would be so disgusting that he would realize the extent of how messed up he was, and seek treatment for his problems." I still haven't forgiven myself for disrespecting myself that much.

The drama kept piling up, and a month later I staged an intervention and he went into rehab.
I was completely unhinged at the time, and didn't realize the extent to which I was messed up. After he got out of rehab, he thanked me for saving his life and simultaneously kicked me out of his...that was the point where I really lost it. I was a depressed zombie for months - starving myself and binging again, getting up to 250lbs. I wasn't working, living at home with my mom and new step-dad, taking Wellbutrin without doctor supervision, "just to see" if it would help didn't.

This past winter, a friend of mine really helped me - gave me a place to stay, and some perspective and advice...after that, I moved back to the city I got my degree in because I need to live in a place where I have good friends, that feels safe and familiar. Right now I am living on a friend's couch, looking for a job and therapy. I keep thinking about my great passion – acting - I know that I'm good at it, and that if I weren't trapped in the body I have, it would be without a doubt, what I would be pursuing. But the fact that I am a 240 lb woman with hairy arms, acne and scars on my arms really brings me down...sometimes I forget about it briefly, when I'm entertaining my friends with my wild, actor-y antics or when I allow myself to think about my goals - about working with people in the industry, like Joss Whedon, Tom Hanks, etc...sometimes I wish Oprah would find me and take me under her wing (then again, who doesn't wish for that?!).

I have started making a few changes. I've been eating regularly and much healthier than
I have in the past, and I walk every day. I'd like to get started on a program at a gym, once I have a job and a stable place to live. I haven't given up on my goals, but it sure is easy to get distracted and discouraged - however, every day is a new chance to remember what it is I want out of life, and work towards manifesting it.