When I was 5-6 years old I was of average weight. During that time period, my father tried to engage me in a sexual act, but fortunately someone intervened in time. I have been overweight since then.
In high school, I was a size 14 and thought I was huge - I don't recall what my weight was then. I was horribly shy, and I was super-self conscious about my hairy forearms and being short (5'2"). Even though I was shy, I discovered I had a deep love of acting, and I was involved with the drama club - tiny bit parts and backstage work.
In 2001, I was just under the 200 lb. mark. I was at the end of a 2-year long, lackluster unhealthy relationship and when I was broken-up with, I did whatever it took to treat myself badly - intentional starvation/binging, alcohol and drug abuse and cutting.
Between 2001-2007, I slowly grew to 230 lbs. I was involved in another bad relationship, and 2 unhealthy attachments to "Mr. Unavailables." I decided to go to college in 2003 - to get a degree in my second favorite passion - writing, because I felt too ugly and fat to pursue my dream as an actor. During my four years at school, I partied excessively – abusing drugs and alcohol and barely passing my classes. When I graduated (a year later than I had planned) I was in a deep co-dependent relationship with an alcoholic/addict friend – for a time, I thought I was in love with him, and one drunken night I seduced him (by carefully studying the troubled, size 0 women he was always attracted to) to sleep with me- my rationalization being that "sleeping with me would be so disgusting that he would realize the extent of how messed up he was, and seek treatment for his problems." I still haven't forgiven myself for disrespecting myself that much.
The drama kept piling up, and a month later I staged an intervention and he went into rehab.
I was completely unhinged at the time, and didn't realize the extent to which I was messed up. After he got out of rehab, he thanked me for saving his life and simultaneously kicked me out of his...that was the point where I really lost it. I was a depressed zombie for months - starving myself and binging again, getting up to 250lbs. I wasn't working, living at home with my mom and new step-dad, taking Wellbutrin without doctor supervision, "just to see" if it would help me...it didn't.
This past winter, a friend of mine really helped me - gave me a place to stay, and some perspective and advice...after that, I moved back to the city I got my degree in because I need to live in a place where I have good friends, that feels safe and familiar. Right now I am living on a friend's couch, looking for a job and therapy. I keep thinking about my great passion – acting - I know that I'm good at it, and that if I weren't trapped in the body I have, it would be without a doubt, what I would be pursuing. But the fact that I am a 240 lb woman with hairy arms, acne and scars on my arms really brings me down...sometimes I forget about it briefly, when I'm entertaining my friends with my wild, actor-y antics or when I allow myself to think about my goals - about working with people in the industry, like Joss Whedon, Tom Hanks, etc...sometimes I wish Oprah would find me and take me under her wing (then again, who doesn't wish for that?!).
I have started making a few changes. I've been eating regularly and much healthier than
I have in the past, and I walk every day. I'd like to get started on a program at a gym, once I have a job and a stable place to live. I haven't given up on my goals, but it sure is easy to get distracted and discouraged - however, every day is a new chance to remember what it is I want out of life, and work towards manifesting it.
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The Question
Want To Share?
The Body Image Project is an online project searching for women and girls of all ages to share their individual experiences and feelings about their own body image perceptions. The goal of the project is to have women and girls take the brave step of sharing their story, break the hold these perceptions have and ultimately reveal to those who share and those who read the thoughts of others – you are not alone. It is a rare opportunity to share without fear of judgment - share in a healthy manner. We ask that individuals include their age so the reader witnesses the wide-range of ages and the wide-range of issues women and girls are facing (often silently).
Share your story. Keep it short and simple - the impact will be huge.
To share your story, simply email your words to bodyprojectsubmission@gmail.com.
Share your story. Keep it short and simple - the impact will be huge.
To share your story, simply email your words to bodyprojectsubmission@gmail.com.
Background
Body image dissatisfaction is a growing epidemic in our society. Women, teenagers – and now young girls – have become obsessed with obtaining the “perfect body” which can lead to an unimaginable sense of self-loathing. Society targets women with constant attacks on their bodies creating a false belief that our value – our worth – is based on appearance alone. We have become enslaved to the beauty myth and to our unwavering attempt to fit in, skewing the mental picture we have of ourselves.
The Body Image Project simply asks “when you look in the mirror, what do you see?” Do you embrace your physical appearance, or yearn for change? Do you accept your physical differences or take extreme measures in an attempt to change your body? How far are you willing to go to feel better about yourself? Are you happy?
Be honest. Be open. Express yourself without fear of judgment.
Through your words and shared thoughts, The Body Image Project will take an unflinching look at how women and girls perceive their bodies, allow individuals an opportunity to reveal their perceptions of their own self-image and explain how far some are willing to go to fit in.
The Body Image Project simply asks “when you look in the mirror, what do you see?” Do you embrace your physical appearance, or yearn for change? Do you accept your physical differences or take extreme measures in an attempt to change your body? How far are you willing to go to feel better about yourself? Are you happy?
Be honest. Be open. Express yourself without fear of judgment.
Through your words and shared thoughts, The Body Image Project will take an unflinching look at how women and girls perceive their bodies, allow individuals an opportunity to reveal their perceptions of their own self-image and explain how far some are willing to go to fit in.
Privacy Policy
The Body Image Project (http://www.thebodyimageproject.blogspot.com/) does not collect names and/or addresses. All posts to this site are anonymous and include age only. If you share your story via email, your email address will not be shared or posted. All text/image posts are considered public, equivalent to "Letters To the Editor," and will be considered publishable.