Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Age 21

I had never considered myself thin, or even average. I couldn't stand what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Looking back, I was average... not too thin, not too fat. Nevertheless, I've been dieting since I was in girl scouts, at around the age of 8. I hid my body with long, baggy clothes. In high school, I was so ashamed of my weight (although there was nothing wrong with it) that I began wearing jackets, even in the intense heat and humidity of Miami summers. I wore the jacket for 7 years.

At one point in my life, I dated a guy who asked me out by writing me an email saying that he liked me, and he thought we had a lot of potential, but in order for him to be able to date me, I had to lose weight. At the time, I was 5'3" and 140 lbs. At my highest a couple years earlier, I was 180 lbs. Nevertheless, I agreed because I was still in the process of losing weight. A month later, we broke up because he didn't think I was attractive enough according to other people. For the next year, we became close friends and got together and broke up about 5 times. We got together because we have something that, in normal circumstances, works amazingly and has great potential. We broke up because I wasn't thin enough. Every time, I allowed him to degrade me and then get me back without even apologizing or assuring me that things would be different. It was because I agreed with him. It was because I lacked the confidence to stand up for myself. Now I know I deserve so much better than that.

I don't consider myself to be beautiful, but it doesn't matter. I am happy with what I see in the mirror and I know that guys are attracted to me. It's taken a lot to change the way I see myself, and sometimes I slip and see fat, but it's ok because I don't let it define me. So what if I'm ugly or fat? (which I don't believe I am). It doesn't change who I am, and I really like who I am...fat or no fat.