Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Age 20

I have hated my body from the time I realized that was a possibility. I remember always being overweight, although it didn't show on my body. I was always 5 lbs away from a 'normal' BMI, 5 lbs away from being able to love myself, from being able to feel beautiful. Those five pounds led to crash diets, an abusive relationship, an eating disorder, stealing diet pills from stores when no one was looking because I was too ashamed to buy them and let someone see my desperation. There is a movement to celebrate 'curvy' women, telling us that that hourglass figure is the ideal, but at 5'6", 152 lbs, I measure in at 38-27-38 and clothes aren't made for me. I love shopping, but with such a small waist, things hang on me, making me look larger than ever. This is the first time I have been within a normal weight range, and I feel huge. I have always had guys like me, or love my body, and I hear compliments daily, but it doesn't mean anything to me, and no one understands that. I can't appreciate what they see until I see something worthwhile, until I can accept that maybe, being a size 8 is okay. I need to see for myself that being a size 8 is okay even if my entire family is smaller, and it doesn't need to translate to being undeserving of happiness, or love or respect.