Friday, March 28, 2008

Age 24

I'm 5 foot 9 inches tall. I have no idea how much I weigh because I'm too afraid to get on a scale. My measurements are 32-25-32. When I walk down the street, I regularly have strangers (men and women) stop me to tell me that I'm beautiful. I've modeled. I wear a size 0.
Every day, I look in the mirror and see something so hideous I can hardly believe that I am human. I look down at my body and want to rip all of the excess away because I do not deserve to take up this much space. I look at myself and I can't find anything to like.

I'm terrified that I will lose my boyfriend over this because he likes my "curves" and I can't stand to hear him say that because all I hear is "fatdisgustingexcessivewasteofspacefatworthlesshorriblerepulsivefatfatfatfatfatfatfat."

I have felt like this since I was six years old. I have starved for weeks at a time. I've purged glasses of water because I can't bear having anything inside me. I've worked out for hours on no food or sleep. I've never sought treatment because my weight has never qualified for a diagnosis of anorexia and I'm convinced that no one would take me seriously without it.

I want to believe that I will be able to stop feeling like this one day, that I will look in the mirror and see what other people see. I honestly do. But, I don't remember ever feeling any other way and that makes it nearly impossible to hope anymore.