Number of minutes of every hour I spend hating myself for how much I weigh: 40. Those 40 minutes are spent thinking of what I would wear if I were "skinny"; if what I am wearing makes me look fat; if I am as fat as that girl; or that one; or that one; if I can manage to not eat; what I ate; when I will "behave" and not eat (Monday); why can't I eat and look like that girl; what is wrong with me; why am I so weak...
Over the years, that is a lot of time devoted to...futility.